John Carter review

Spoiler alert:

JOHN CARTER GOES TO MARS.

And now, review time.

King Kong's regretful one-stand night drunkenness. 

So, this guy, John Carter (duh) somehow finding himself on Mars after stumbling onto some ancient ruins.

Whilst there, he befriends the natives and saves Barsoom (the Martians' name for Mars), and gets laid with the Princess of Mars.

The director for this movie is Andrew Stanton, you may remember him for being the director of Finding Nemo and WALL-E.

Holy EFF-ING shit.

That was one of the main reasons why I wanted to watch this movie, due to those movies being, you know, bloody good.

However, it seems that Andrew Stanton does not fare so well when it comes to directing live action movies.

Frankly, John Carter is somewhat a messy movie with a few good ideas here and there.

Ok, this guy was actually rather cute.

When John Carter first arrived on Mars, he had trouble trying to move. Due to the lower gravity and his higher bone density, he could jump ridiculously high and throw killing punches.

So, kinda like the Hulk then.

Without the nigh invulnerability.

And the increased healing.

And certainly without the purple pants.

That particular scene where he was trying to get used to the new environment was actually a delightfully funny scene to watch.

And less than 10 minutes afterwards, that particular trouble is gone. It was forgotten a bit too quickly me thinks, nor was it ever properly explained.

A lot of other aspects of the story get the exact same treatment.

How does he breathe in the Martian atmosphere?

What the heck does he eat?

And in a bizzarely disjointing scene, we had the four-armed Martian Tharks speaking in a completely alien language to Carter, and immediately in the next scene, human-looking Martians of Helium speaking perfectly coherent English.

No amount of cleavage could take my attention away
from the lack of explanation on those details.

Hurm.

Mostly though, the characterization and the pacing of the story is somewhat messy.

Typical problems of a movie based on a novel I guess. There is simply not enough time to jam everything inside the time frame of a single movie.

There was a twist or two towards the end of the movie. Which was done pretty well in my opinion.

The action scenes were actually pretty decent though. And I liked the design of the Martian airships, though they're more of the awesome but impractical type airships.

It's so damn open!! Anyone with decent tactical knowledge could probably take down the aircraft with minimal equipment.

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So, to summarize the movie:

• The story is messy and inconsistent
• Decent characters, but still suffers from inconsistency and clarity
• Decent action 
• Damn good special effects and design though

Well, personally, it's nothing great of a movie.

If nothing else, it's probably like the over-cooked appetizer before the epic main course that will undoubtedly be the summer blockbuster movies.

*cough* Avengers *cough*

Relatively, its somewhat the better of the movies that are available in the cinemas at the moment, though frankly that's not saying much.

Ah, hell.

At least it wasn't like Ghost Rider. Am I right?

*shudder*

Mass Effect 3 review

One of the most anticipated games of 2012, Mass Effect 3 is the ending to the epic sci-fi trilogy that is Mass Effect.

It has been ages since any franchise has generated as much a huge fanbase as this. Sure, there was Halo, Gears of War, Call of Duty etc...but honestly, when it came down to storyline and establishing an entire universe, Mass Effect is king of the hill.

Now the question is: Does Mass Effect 3 live up to its incredible hype? Does it deliver the satisfying ending that everyone is hoping for?

Lets find out.

Even in the far future, global warming is still an environmental issue on Earth.

Gameplay

ME3 brings back some older mechanics and improves on Mass Effect 2's combat system. Weapon mods make a return (YAY!), bringing more options to individual weapon loadouts as compared to the previous game.

Now you can add scopes, heat sinks, stabilizers, extra thermal clips and even knife attachments! Each weapon can have up to two different mods.

You can even add scopes to a HANDGUN.

Weapon mods can be brought from shops or found during missions just lying around, in addition to armor pieces and new weapons littered around the battlefields. So, it really pays to explore the environment to reap these rewards.

Unlike ME2, ME3's weapons are much more varied and more fun to use in combat. They also implemented ME1's weapons upgrade rank system, but much less cluttered but simply having the superior ranked weapon replace the inferior one. Thus removing one hell of an inventory nightmare that was prevalent in the first game.

Also, grenades make a return. Finally they're not the shitty frisbee thingy that we last saw in ME1. On the other hand, thermal clips make a return, but since the game is much more generous with the amount of thermal clips littered around, I guess it's not too bad a thing.

The armor system more or less follows the one from ME2, the only difference is that whatever DLC armor you had from the last game (Terminus Armor, Collector Armor, Blood Dragon Armor etc) will be available for purchase from various shops.

And we have lost the manliest armor of all time.

Generally, the combat in ME3 is much more varied, more challenging, and overall, more fun than its predecessors. In the previous games, only a few battles were challenging enough that simply shooting at the enemies without any tactics would pretty end badly (example: ME1's battle with Saren, ME2's Human-Reaper hybrid thingy).

In this game however, the firefights can end very badly if you decide to just gungho it without using your powers properly. The AI is smarter for one thing, and the various enemies now have special abilities which require tactics to defeat.

Especially Cerberus forces, which had taken some lessons in badassery apparently, probably due to Shepard's short time with them, and they have picked up some useful lessons.

The lowly Cerberus Assault Troopers are their cannon fodder grunts, but they are usually supported by Cerberus Centurions that come with shields and lay down thick smoke grenades to fuck with your vision. Later in the game, they will be accompanied by Cerberus Nemesis with sniper rifles or Cerberus Combat Engineers (which are pretty much the player character's Engineer class) who lay down turrets OR the Cerberus Phantom with guns for hands and an instant kill katana.

Sometimes, they bring out the big guns. Literally. By dropping the Atlas mechs to go against you.

It has always been my dream job to pilot a mech. Damn you, you lucky basterd.

And the best thing is? YOU CAN HIJACK THAT MOTHAFUCKA.

Even the Reapers are not pulling their punches. Now that they have made their presence known, the first thing they did is harvest the other races and start making husks out of them. The resulting husks are some of the toughest enemies in the game.

And slightly nightmarish.

Thank you Bioware. As if the Broodmothers from Dragon Age wasn't bad enough.

The scanning minigame returns! This time, the least time-consuming and more fun of the three. Third time's the charm apparently.

Now the Normandy scans the planet systems, like a radar, if there is anything interesting, EDI will point it out. Usually it's either more fuel from destroyed fuel stations or War Assets to scan on the planet. If the planet has something interesting, you will revert to the planet-scanning minigame from ME2. 

However, if the planetary system is under siege from the Reapers, you risk getting discovered by them everytime you "ping". Eventually, they will come after you and you will need to run.

It's much more simplified and by far the best implemented. It's much more fun and does not break the flow of the game. No more time wasted by spending untold minutes trying to mine some goddam minerals.

ME3 also made changes to the skill trees so that they are not as rigid as before, and by the 4th level of the skill, you get to choose one of the two perks that would modify the skill.

Like so.

 The changes are mostly just choosing between more damage, shorter cooldowns or longer durations though, so its not to say they are a hugely customizable. Only a few skills have drastic changes, like the Sentry Turret skill for Engineers.

So, overall, gameplay wise, Mass Effect 3 is probably the best of the trilogy so far. Fittingly. Bioware took what worked and made it better, and removed the unsavoury elements.

Storyline

Now for the main draw of ME3: The storyline.

After all, this is the final part of Shepard's story. The Reapers invade and take over Earth, and Shepard has to rally all of the galactic races together to fight back against them and save the galaxy before they take out every organic being in the galaxy. Again.

No pressure.

One thing I have noticed about ME3 is that compared to the previous two games, it's a lot more linear. And that's saying something. In fact, it has gotten progressively more linear.

In ME1, you could recruit Liara as the last companion despite being told to go do her recruitment mission very early on. You could also trigger other important missions in a different order.

In ME2, you could only recruit maybe 2-3 members during any particular part of the game. You weren't allowed to recruit the others until the game gave you access to the particular mission or star system.

In this game, the game only gave you one priority mission at a time. There are other side missions which you can choose to do or not, but will affect your War Assets and the characters that you meet. But in the context of this game, Bioware probably made the right choice, they wanted to make an epic ending after all.

If players were given a lot of free choice, it'll probably break the epic flow of the story. Thus, ME3 kinda just nudges players down the linear path with a few side quests littered about.

If there's one thing Bioware is good at, it's the stories. They have always been outrageously popular for their ability to tell stories, and Mass Effect 3 does not disappoint.

Well hellloooooo Ashley...

By far my favorite parts of the game are when Bioware focuses on the people. The way they interact with each other, not just with Shepard but with everyone else as well.

On the Normandy, the NPCs don't just sit around waiting for you to talk to them. Well at least not all the time. They do interact with each other, and I spent quite some time just standing there and listening to them talk, which really hits home how well written these characters are.

Joker and Garrus trading completely politically incorrect jokes with each other, which includes nods from Bioware about the silly things from the previous games; Joker asking Liara over the intercom about her hair scalp functions; Cortez and James (two new characters in ME3) joking about the pros and cons of the Mako and the Hammerhead. etc

My favorite scenes involve Garrus and Tali. In a lovingly endearing bonding moment, Garrus and Shepard decide to just break the rules and went shooting at bottles over the top of the Presidium at the Citadel. You could choose to miss it or hit it on target. I chose to miss it, and Garrus was jumping with joy declaring: "MY NAME IS GARRUS VAKARIAN, AND THIS IS MY FAVORITE SPOT ON THE CITADEL!!"

It is a ridiculously cute moment for the both of them.

As for Tali, well I romanced her *ahem*.

Look at those delicious hips...mmhmmmmm..

Towards the end of the game, as Shepard becomes more and more worn out by having the burdens of the galaxy on his shoulders. Tali was the one that stood by his side and helped him stay strong. One of Tali's lines still stands out in my mind long after that scene has passed:

Tali: "I want....more time."


The way her line was delivered was extremely good, but it was the simplicity of it that drove it home for me.

The named characters are not the only ones that are well written, completely random NPCs in the background will talk with each other, and every single one of them has a sad tale: the PTSD Asari soldier talking to her therapist; The Batarian comforting the Human female; the Human soldier requesting a transfer from fighting Cerberus forces after she found out her brother has joined them; two Turian C-sec officers who are also best friends who decide to resign so that they can go back to their homeworld of Palaven, just so they can search for their families together.

Garrus and Tali remain my favorite characters in ME3, but I spent time listening to these random background chatter, immersed in their dilemma.

They somehow made The Illusive Man a tragic figure by the end.
THAT is an accomplishment.

The war with the Reapers has taken its toll on the galaxy, and it shows. Everyone is affected.

Yet, at the same time, Bioware never forgot about the humor, acknowledging the memes that spawned from the games, and the silly little things that caught gamers attention.

Which is a shame, because the ending was not satisfactory at all.

Mass Effect 3, the final battle, the conclusion to the epic story that is Commander "BADASS" Shepard lasted all of 10 minutes.

Probably less.

Without spoiling anything, right at the end of the game, you are forced to make choices. The choices pretty much end the same way.

The worst part was that there was no closure. And was not exactly an ending that made any damn sense.

This was literally what I looked like and what I said when I saw the ending.
Minus the people in the background of course.

I feel a bit cheated to be honest.

It was not because it was not the ending I expected, in fact I was surprised by the turn of events when they revealed the purpose of the Reapers and why they do the things they do.

Nor was it because it was far from a happy ending, as the game repeatedly knocked into my skull: "You can't save everyone." I already had to make very difficult choices throughout the game, it would be obvious the last one would be one of the most difficult.

It just feels that everything that I've done (THREE GAMES WORTH!!) was for naught.

It didn't matter what I did, it was like towards the end, I didn't have a choice in changing the outcome. In fact, a number of things didn't make sense either.

Goddam. It's Evangelion all over again.

And multiple endings my ass.

There were suppose to be 16 different endings, according to Bioware, and after looking up all of them.

THEY WERE ALL THE SAME. WTF.

They were only different in minor ways. And apparently there was a secret ending, but to get that, you have to do things in a specific manner to get.

What the hell Bioware??

The most appropriate picture for this moment.

Why do I have to do things "correctly" to get the best ending? Player choice was suppose one of the main draws of the entire Mass Effect series.

And it got thrown out the window. But still, that is a minor gripe compared to the ending.

After three games, the ending just showed nothing.

You have no idea what happened to Shepard.

You have no idea what happened to the entire galaxy.

And to add insult to injury, you get a fucking screen with less than a paragraph of text. That tell you you can continue Shepard's journey via DLC.

WHAT? SERIOUSLY?? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???

I think the worst part of it all is that simply...the ending took your choices away. It didn't matter what you did in the entire Mass Effect trilogy, everyone will reach the exact same ending chapter.

Did I mention that the 16 endings are functionally the same and made no damn sense whatsoever?

Still the most appropriate picture for this moment.

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To summarize Mass Effect 3
The good

• Epic storyline build up to the end.
• Graphics are overall pretty good, especially facial animations
• Awesome music
• Awesome fights: Fighting a Reaper on foot!!!
• Bioware finally gets the perfect balance of RPG and action-cover shooting
• Characterization/development is top of the crop
• Optimized engine means that the loading time is almost nonexistent

The bad

• Texture are pretty pixelated up close and noticeable texture loading
• The ending....just...the ending.

As you can see, pretty much the ONLY bad thing about this game is well...the ending.

It's as if Bioware, just like Commander Shepard, just couldn't take the pressure any more and just went "Fuck it" and that's how we gamers end up with Mass Effect 3's ending.

So, is Mass Effect 3 the best game of the year? Maybe. Everything else it does is just absolutely perfect. The storyline. The gameplay.

Best game ever? Not Mass Effect 3.
No doubt though, that it will be close to the top of anyone's list. However, I feel that ending is such a huge setback that prevents it from being there. At least now without gripe or ill feeling.

The trilogy as a whole however, is definitely something that should be representative of what video games are capable of, and will stand the test of time.

The entire Mass Effect trilogy for best game ever? 

DEFINITELY.

Goodbye Commander Shepard.
It has been an honor to serve you.